2012.

I wonder if anyone ever read blogs now; with all that Twitter and Facebook thing - blogs are like history.

But being the idiot I am, I'm gonna make a blog post (finally!) just in case some idiots out there like me still put their faith in reading blogs. (which is honestly speaking, a waste of time. So why am I still blogging?)

It's  5 November 2012. Amazing, 11 months and 5 days (well, almost; since it's 20:30 now) passed.
I can't believe it's been almost a year!
This year is really awesome.
Honestly.

All the people whom have entered my life - they are amazing.
I'm glad to have made friends with them, for they've touched my heart.
This year has allowed me opportunities to try so many splendid things I can only dream of before.
And I'm amazed at how beautiful the experiences are.
I thank all of the people who have made a difference in my life.
I'll keep those memories close with me at heart.

This year, certainly, fun as it is - has been extremely hectic.
Late nights, late dinners, returning home from school feeling as if you can simply drop dead.
Woah, those are things that shall become a norm in my future life.
But it's fulfilling, when that sense of satisfaction overwhelms an individual upon knowing you have accomplished something so difficult - like your homework. (seriously?)

Suddenly, when the year is almost over, the free time I have now leads me to self-reflection.
Reflecting upon myself is something I don't do very often.
Which probably explains why I'm such a mean asshole.

I've always told myself, and made it a new year resolution - to put now all of that hatred for others.
And simply let bygones be bygones, let the grudges leave you and embrace your enemies as friends.
Oh how nicely put.
But so very hard to do.

Indeed, at times, it gets tiring to hate that same old person for such a long time.
But amazingly, I just can't stop.
I realized, every time I try to tell myself - "Stop it okay, you got to stop hating."
The next moment I'll be like "Gosh, she's such a B****!"
Okay, I know. That sucks.
So I gave up.
I gave up trying to stop hating because I held myself in conviction that it's what most people do half the time.
It's like a natural thing nobody can control, so why try so hard to suppress it?

Then, another problem is - I get so scared and paranoid at times. (Okay, maybe most of the time).
And I hate it when I suffer from these random paranoia spasms.
I'll be like "WTS OMG WHAT'S GOING ON? I'M GONNA DIE!"
And everyone's thinking that girl's crazy.
Yeah, maybe I suffer from depression and is on the brink of spiraling down the cline of insanity.
I wouldn't doubt that - sometimes I get a very ominous suspicion that I might be suffering from the blues.

It's the end of a phase of my education life, and I'm too sure to say that I'm ready to enter the next.
There's just so many things I don't want to let go.
The place, the people, and memories.
Damn, everything.
That's another flaw I have -being so resistant to change.

"The essential quality of life is living, and the essential quality of living is change." - The Chrysalids; John Wyndham.

And woah, whenever I read that, I go like "Crap. I hate changing."
It's probably because I don't adapt easily.
And it takes me a lot of time to form a close bond with a new person who have just entered my life.

I get this feeling, that life's gonna suck.
I don't know, maybe it's just one of those stupid paranoia moments.
Gosh, I hate this feeling in me.

Okay, so um. I don't really know how to end this off.
But yeah, anyone whom might be reading this,
You would have realized that the useless post have wasted a few minutes of your precious time.
Who would want to hear a slightly deranged teenage girl ranting on utterly stupid things?





You're simply, the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life.
Like a dazzling bright star, you light up the dark heaven of my night.
Continue to shine, and make the face of heaven so fine.

A few months had passed since the last time I posted.
These few months, so much happened.
I can't even bear to think back now.

 I look at my past, and I feel shame.
Shame on me, shame on me.
Why, why was I so selfish?
So grounded, so insistent on fulfilling only my desires, my wants, my needs?

Swore on the promise never to hurt anyone again.
And yet I failed. I failed, badly.
The pain I had inflicted on her,
Was far worse than the previous time.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I did that,
I'm sorry for the way things turned out,
I'm sorry I didn't ever, ever consider your feelings,
I'm sorry,
 I broke my promise.
 I want to hold on tightly to everything I have now.
Don't make me lose anything more.
Please, please don't. I can't ever bring myself to the pain. 
Yet again.



 What happened to us?
I need you more than ever.

我 们 。

就快要结束了。
到了今天，我还是不知道该如何接受这事实。
说我傻，说痴痴的等待是没有用的，
但是我还是没办法让自己放手。
我无法放开我们所一起拥有的那些回忆，
无法放开我们所一起拥有的那份爱。

心头不只是感到酸酸的，也非常遗憾。




为什么，你永远不可能是我的？
而我却那么害怕失去你呢？

w e a l t h .

Sometimes, I just want to walk alone in the park,
feeling the cool breeze on my face,
thinking back on the precious memories I shared with the ones I loved.
I no understand why is everyone so caught up in a flux,
trying to live their life the way they think they should.

They pursue glamour, power and wealth.
But ultimately,
What does it lead us to anyway?
People these days know the price of everything, but the value of nothing.
And honestly,
I find that very saddening.




I can't bring myself to look you in the eyes.

G u y s .

Guys.
They are so superficial.
They can only see how attractive a girl is,the way they look,
the way they dress, the way the put on their makeup.
Those unlucky girls who do not look as aesthetically pleasing as others,they simply get ignored.
Worse of all,they usually get cruelly rejected,
yet leaving another scar on their already damaged souls and hearts.


I often wonder,whether the guys noticed how these girls,reveal their genuine smiles whenever they see their eyes twinkle playfully as they talked about the times he had fun.

How she would tuck the loose strand of hair dangling by the side of their cheek neatly behind their right ear when she's nervous,or look away shyly whenever they look them directly in the eyes.

How she would do funny, stupid and completely redundant and to an extent, retarded actions just so he could notice her?
Or how she would especially wear something nice so she could leave a good impression on him?

Guys, it's time you learn to look deeper than the way things appear to be one the surface.
Wake up your ideas about girls.
We're not as simple as you think we are.






The empty space in my heart is still vacant.

d e c e m b e r .

December starts today.
Looking back at everything, I'm pretty amazed I survived so much.
But the worse has yet to come.


Just remembered a quote from "The Outsiders" by S.E Hinton;
"Nothing gold can stay."
So I'm just trying to cherish all that I have now.
Clinging on to those times we shared,
the memories we had,
before it all fades away.






I have died everyday waiting for you.
Darling don't be afraid,
I have loved you for a thousand years,
And I'd love you, for a thousand more. - Christina Perri; A Thousand Years.

My mind's a struggle,
my heart in a tangle.
Lost, I don't know where to turn to,
who to confide in.
I never found myself feeling so utterly trapped before.




I remember those nights I cried myself to sleep.

爱。

我，爱上了不该爱上的人。
但是，就算他不爱我，我还是会祝他能够找到属于自己的幸福。




人生就是如此残酷，
当心想他就是自己的白马王子时，
你才会发现，
这世上是没有爱情能够跟童话故事一样的完美。

1 9 9 th

Whenever I have just a tiny gleam of hope,
I destroy it as fast as possible.
Because I know how excruciating it is,
if it was someone else who were to be the one destroying it.
Especially if that someone meant the whole world to you.









Looking back now,
It all feels like a joke to me.
I wish I've known that earlier,
So I wouldn't have made myself look like a complete fool.
But thank you,
For saving my pride, at the very least.

t e e n a g e .

The hardest part of growing up,
I personally feel,
is the teenage years.
In our childhood time,
everbody held their innocence,
nobody really understood what exactly was shame.
Everybody just had their fun, laughed along with their playmates,
and cried at small matters that thinking back now, makes it hard to resist a laugh.

However, now in our teens,
everyone looks at things from a totally different viewpoint.
We shed off our coat of innocence,
and become as judgemental, and pretentious as we can.
We often see things the way it is,
and never beyond that,
never beyond that shade of superficiality and pretense.

And it often disappoint me to see so many friendship, kinship and relationship being ruin just because of our shallowness, our insolence and ignorance.
yes, I might be making this statement here because well,
I AM in my teens, to be told the truth.

Maybe, as we mature, we might change - for the better.
But who knows?
We might take a wrong turn,
and roll downhill instead.
Whatever it is,
Now I realise that nothing ever stays permanent as what it is.
Everything and everyone changes,
along with time.
So cherish,
cherish each and every moment you have,
because once it's gone,
it's never gonna come back,
and even if it does,
it's never gonna be the same.




I miss you so bad.
I have completely failed to give up on you.

h u n g r y .

I get hungry super easily these days.
Extreme meals.



No way am I gonna go through that again.
Just you wait and see,
how I get you out of my mind.

s c r e w e d .

I feel so screwed inside.
Like a huge mess, all tangled up together in a huge knot.
And the worse thing is, I can't seem to untangle it.
I don't know how to describe this feeling.
There's so much I wanna say,
but I can't find no courage to speak.
There's so much I want you to know,
but I don't know how to tell you.
And I'll probably never tell you.


I need to forget you.
Now.

s l e e p .

Sleep, is the best way to escape the harsh reality of this cruel world.
Well, at least it allows you to divulge yourself into something you would like to sincerely believe in.



Yes, I should have thought of it earlier.
Too submerged in my own fantasies,
So now did I realise it is all a false illusion.
Why would you fall for me anyway?

y o u .

I see your true colours, finally.


I don't know what's wrong with me.
The determination to give up on you melts whenever you flash that smile of yours.
Stop tempting me to fall back into the same trap I so foolishly stepped into.
Please,
I don't want to feel that excrutiating pain yet again.

f r i e n d s .

I realised,
only when you're in need of help do you realise who your true friends are.
And I'm blessed to have true friends indeed.
So thank you my friends,
for staying by my side when I needed you.
I couldn't be more thankful.


Cause he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,
the only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star.

i h a t e y o u .

When I look at how pathetic you are,
I felt so sorry for you.
So what if you're at the top of the world?
So what if your results are so much better than the rest?
So what if you're rich?
So what.

You're all alone.

You might not know it,
but your character really sucks.
I mean it.
I have never, ever, in my life seen anyone as bitchy as you.
You might easily be able to call yourself a bitch playfully,
But I don't think you know that you're in fact, really one.

Just a bit of exaggeration here,
My eyes will burn just by looking at you.
My hears will hurt just by hearing your voice.
I think you screw up everyone's life,
and you're a plain waste of oxygen on Earth,
so you should just get out of everybody's way and go kill yourself or something.

I really hate you.
Very, very much.


I just wanna run right through the rain,
I just wanna dance right through the pain.
I just wanna feel that rhythm, feel that drum,
And let my heart beat louder, let my heart speak louder than my head.

d a m n e d .

What kind of shit have I just gotten myself into.
All tangled up in this huge mess,
I can't seem to get out of it.
I am so confused.



Everytime I am about to forget,
You would appear and everything starts all over again.
Thanks, for making me revolve around you, idiot.

l i f e .

I don't know why my life starts to tumble down, down down.
What did I do?
Everytime someting good happens,
I feel scared, for I know,
when something that good happens to me,
something bad would definitely fall on me.
No doubt.

This is life, for me.
This has always been how my life would be.
I would have to forever live up to people's expectations,
Always existing, never living.
Never living for myself,
Doing what i do not because I want do,
but because I need to.
I don't want it this way.
It's my life.


Funny how you're dead, people start listening.

d e s e r v e .

Oh well, I really cannot stand you.
Call me a hypocrite, call me superficial.
Whatever, seriously.
Your words are cheap,
not meant to be heard, not meant to be valued.
You are more than just a girl,
you're a despicable one.
I've never seen anyone as mean as you.
Never.

So don't blame me for doing this to you.
Because you deserve it.
You don't deserve my kindness.
No, you don't deserve to have anything from me.

I feel so overwhelmed with work.
Somehow, it seems endless.
I find myself trying to finish and clear the workload,
but it just comes flooding in before I can clear it all away.
It's been long since I've felt the feeling whereby I know I have done everything I needed to do.
I want to feel that again.
And I am trying hard to find that feeling.

There was once I told myself silently in my heart,
I promised to sacrifice everything up for him.
I prayed, hoped and wished every night he would one day reciprocate my feelings for him. But no, it never happened.
Now, I prayed, hoped and wished every night that it did.